When life squeezed me between caring for my child and my aging mother, I discovered just how impossible balance can feel. Through trial, error, and many tears, I found ways to not just survive—but sometimes even thrive—in the sandwich. I’m sharing my story and what I’ve learned to help others walking this challenging path.

What Is the Sandwich Generation?

I’m part of what experts call the “sandwich generation”—middle-aged adults simultaneously caring for our children and aging parents. My daily reality included:

• Parenting my neurodiverse son who needed emotional and educational support
• Supporting my mom through serious health challenges
• Maintaining my career responsibilities
• Somehow managing my own household and personal needs

If you’re reading this, you likely understand this juggling act all too well. You’re not alone—our demographic is growing rapidly as our parents live longer and many of us had children later in life.

My Personal Crisis: When Everything Fell Apart

I had a daily routine that functioned like clockwork. My husband left early for his finance job in downtown San Francisco. I worked 9-5, taking the train while a neighbor drove my 13-year-old son to school. He was old enough to lock up on his own, and our system worked—until it didn’t.

What started as a simple day off to take my mother for a routine cardiac catheterization test before her knee replacement quickly spiraled into an emergency situation. The test revealed she needed immediate double bypass surgery and valve replacement. The hospital admitted her right away to manage her potassium levels before the operation.

Suddenly, I was thrown into crisis management mode. The hospital was 30 minutes from my train station parking lot, which was already 45 minutes from my workplace in the other direction. I tried to coordinate with doctors by phone since I couldn’t miss work, but crucial details got lost in translation.

When I approached my boss about medical leave, I hit another wall. Because he had less than 50 people, he wasn’t required to offer FML - family medical leave. He coldly suggested I use my PTO if I needed time off and reminded me of a deadline I needed to meet that week. Meanwhile, I was also working with my son’s school counselors to improve his IEP support because his teacher had a bias against providing this.

After Mom’s surgery, I had to coordinate her discharge to a Skilled Nursing and Intensive Rehabilitation Facility (SNIF), arrange transportation, and monitor her medication schedule—all while trying to maintain my job and support my son.

Emotionally, I was drowning. I felt angry at my unaccommodating boss, frustrated with my son’s teacher, and became the target of my mother’s understandable but difficult emotions about her situation. I had three full-time jobs, and I was failing at all of them.

Understanding FMLA: What I Wish I’d Known

The Family and Medical Leave Act (FMLA) could have provided crucial protection during my caregiving crisis if I was at a larger firm, but I had to learn everything the hard way. Here’s what I wish someone had told me:

• FMLA provides up to 12 weeks of unpaid, job-protected leave per year for eligible employees
• You must have worked for your employer for at least 12 months and 1,250 hours
• Your employer must have at least 50 employees within 75 miles
• You need medical certification from the healthcare provider

Even without an HR department, your employer is still legally obligated to provide FMLA if the company qualifies. A friend recommended I document all conversations about leave requests—something I now encourage everyone to do. Though, it wouldn’t have helped my situation.

Building Your Support Network: Lessons I Learned

When you’re squeezed in the sandwich, reaching out isn’t a luxury—it’s a necessity. Here are some of the steps that can save your sanity:

Immediate Friends and Family - Create a specific list of tasks others could help with (school pickups, grocery shopping, sitting with my mom) - If needed, use MealTrain to organize help without making dozens of calls - Identify one point person for my son and another for my mother - Stop apologizing for asking and start being direct about what you need

Community Resources - The Area Agency on Aging (eldercare.acl.gov) provided local support services I never knew existed - School guidance counselors could help navigate IEP processes for my son - Local churches offered meals and transportation assistance - There are online caregiver support groups and if you have time, there are many local IRL groups

Professional Support - Geriatric care managers can coordinate medical care (the hourly fees can save you countless hours and stress) - Adult day programs provide supervised activities and give you precious respite - Online therapy with flexible scheduling can support your mental health needs - Meal delivery services can reduce the daily cooking burden

Understanding SNIFs: Navigating the System

When my mother needed a Skilled Nursing and Intensive Rehabilitation Facility (SNIF), I was completely overwhelmed by the process. I quickly learned that unlike standard nursing homes, SNIFs offer:

• 24-hour skilled nursing care
• Intensive physical, occupational, and speech therapy
• Medication management
• Transition planning for returning home

Medicare typically covers SNIF stays following a qualifying hospital stay (at least three days), but coverage is limited to 100 days per benefit period, with full coverage only for the first 30 days. Understanding these time limitations helped me plan for my mother’s care trajectory.

Finding My Moments of Grace

In the midst of my sandwich generation chaos, I didn’t yet have a caregiver support plan since this was the first time Rose needed this much help. In hind sight, these are some small actions that can preserve your wellbeing:

• Take 5-minute breaks throughout the day for deep breathing, meditation or just a short walk
• Keep a gratitude journal (I know - a little woo woo, but it actually works) or at least take a few minutes to think about a few things to be grateful for so you don’t get into the habit of dwelling in the negative all day
• Create boundary phrases to use automatically: “I can help with that tomorrow” or “I need to check my calendar before committing” so you can make better decisions on your time management
• Share your story with others in similar situations - connection reduces isolation

I’ve learned that this intense period won’t last forever. By building systems, accepting help, and caring for myself alongside my loved ones, I’ve found ways to navigate this challenging situation with more resilience than I thought possible.

This journey isn’t just about survival—it’s about finding new strength you never knew you had. I’m here to walk alongside you, sharing what I’ve learned so your path might be a little smoother than mine was.

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